Obedience to the Unenforceable
I belong to a group that adheres to "obedience to the unenforceable." When I first heard that phrase, it made no sense. Isn't the whole point of obedience that there is an "or else?" But as I considered it over time, I have come to believe that obedience to the unenforceable is the foundation of a civilized society.
At its essence, obedience to the unenforceable is an agreement between people. I'm going to tell you something in confidence and you agree to keep it confidential. In most cases, if you share that information there is nothing I can do about it. There is no "or else" - except perhaps a ruined friendship. So what keeps the confidential information secret? A shared value of integrity: that a person should be true to their word.
When obedience comes with a punishment for violating it, it is a kind of coercion. As a parent, I have used this method many times. It's not an ethically "bad" method. It is a requirement sometimes - for instance in legal proceedings. My fear is this: in our current culture we have defaulted to the coercive method. The popular assumption is that we agree to behave a certain way not because we agree it's the right thing to do, but because there will be consequences if we don't.
This is a mindset based in fear. And it leads to feelings of oppression, suspicion and resentment. The "or else" becomes the focal point, not the behavior agreed to. As a parent, I tried to use the coercive method sparingly, and always follow up with a conversation about the issue at hand: why it's important to tell the truth, to not hurt other people, to do what you say you'll do. A conversation about integrity.
Obedience to the unenforceable is a breathtaking affirmation of our shared values - if we agree we have them.
